Vulnerability and Strength

February 14th, 2012

I am thrilled to share a sneak peek of an article I recently published in the Jackson Free Press.

To love is to care deeply enough about an idea to see it come into being, whether that idea is a romance with another person, writing a novel or starting a business. Love sparks your desire to learn all you can about that someone or something. It is what keeps us engaged during difficult times. Love can lead to disappointments and joys. It requires two oppositional forces in a person: the vulnerability of openness and the protection of strength.

Vulnerability and strength are two sides of one coin, and each requires courage. From vulnerability comes strength if approached with an honest, open conscience, a clear heart, and the resolve to persevere through disappointments and successes. An authentic, lasting relationship that has give and take is built from honesty, trust and support. To be honest requires a certain amount of showing your soft underbelly, to test if you and your ideas will be supported. Will you click with this person? Is there viability in this notion, this business or personal relationship?

Read on. . . then leave your comments here or on the Jackson Free Press site.

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Predictions, Progress and the Power of Projects

February 3rd, 2012

Groundhog day.

A do over day.

A day to check to see what is on the horizon in the coming weeks.

Now is a terrific time to reflect on what you have planned for 2012. After all we develop a commitment to what we spend time on- the more time invested the deeper the commitment.  Taking time to consider what  you decided to invest your resources (time, effort etc.) and how you would do so is a good idea. Or if heck January just slipped way from you, now is a fine to think about what you really want to commit to this year. What would make your life, or your work- heck go big both- deeply meaningful to you? If you are not crystal clear about the big important-to-me-picture to me you’ll get bogged down by all that could be, tripped up by details, lose your place or worse decide to toss all your efforts out the window.

What happens all too often is starting out gung-ho ready to jump into your resolutions and really MAKE THIS THE YEAR when (fill in the blank).  Suddenly it is March and you are not making the progress you hoped for. By August you’ve forgotten about those resolutions, or are feeling bad about not getting them done. Not to fear it is February and there is time to recalibrate.  Ground hog day is always my signal to do this, before I get in too deep.

The past 4 weeks I have been leaning into projects that directly relate to what I named big important-to-me-parts of my personal plan for 2012.  The idea of taking on projects instead of goals really works, because you can always make progress on a project. You are better positioned to make progress when the project is discrete, that is as specific, measureable and related to something alive in your big important-to-me-picture.  No matter how small the step you take is it represents progress. Your efforts and their outcomes both have value.  If a small step is less productive than you intended you have not lost too much either.  If it does propel you forward you can figure out how much bigger to make the next step.

Every 4 weeks I think about the projects (I started to experiment with this idea in December) I want to focus on and describe them as a succinctly as possible. One important criteria I use is thinking through what can I realistically lean into given what is already on my calendar for the upcoming 4 weeks. My projects are designed to move me into new or better territory, this requires extra oomph and there is only so much oomph you have in a given time period. Then I carve out regular time to focus on them. By time I mean work sprints when I only focus on the project at hand. These are 15-60 minutes of burst of time that my schedule allows for on a given day.

The results thus far? I tackled one  big professional project, made significant headway on an other and FINALLY got the darn main hallway painted! All things that otherwise might have lingered and lingered and lingered. The hall had a been a source of “as soon as” stuckness for more months than I’d like to admit to- but no more. When I needed to recalibrate during the 4 weeks I did, so I could make progress. In considering what projects to focus on during this current 4 weeks I recalibrated again. I’ll keep doing this to ensure I continue to make progress. Also I focus on no more than 3 projects in a given 4 weeks. Over the year I‘ll get to everything in my personal plan, without feeling like I need do to it all- NOW. What a relief!

So how do you recalibrate to keep your focus and momentum over the coming weeks and months?  Try using these questions and your honest answers to point the way:

  • What specifically is working? How do I know this to be true?
  • What specifically is not working? How do I know this to be true?
  • How can I make this easy(ier)?
  • Where am I holding back?
  • When am I am at my best?  How do I do this more?
  • Why I am doing this in the first place?

My point(s) here, whether you feel like “Yes or everything is on track” or not is this:

  • Determine what you really want and need, be as specific as you can, readjust if you need.  Create bite sized projects for a discrete time frame that relate to your big-important-to-me picture.
  • Identify difficulties that you are experiencing  so you can decide how to address or circumvent these.
  • Bring out the capacities you have, or if needed build new ones. Yes an “old dog” can learn new tricks there is even the science to prove it.
  • Strategize plan of action, quickly. If you need help to do this, and often we do, something about not seeing the forest for the trees, ask for it.
  • Act accordingly.

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From Vulnerability Comes Strength

January 10th, 2012

A client recently received a thank you gift from a local board for her many years of service, a generous gift certificate to a spa. A very thoughtful gift and one she appreciated but did not want. She simply does not enjoy spas. Instead of being disappointed and resentful, her normal reaction in the past to like events, she saw it as a moment of realization. “People need to know me better and I need to allow that [to happen]. I am going to be more authentic to let people know me and really get to know others.  Yes I am risking exposure to criticism, but the rewards MORE than outweighs that risk of criticism. The joy you miss by not doing this is great.”

Can you guess what her resolution is for 2012?

Vulnerability and strength are two sides of one coin and each requires courage. From vulnerability comes strength if approached with an honest open conscious, a clear heart and the resolve to persevere when there are disappointments and when there are successes too. An authentic lasting relationship that has give and take is built from honesty, trust and support. To be honest requires a certain amount of showing your soft underbelly, to test if you and your ideas will be supported. Will you click with this person? Will your ideas resonate? Is there viability here in this notion? In this business or relationship?

Trust of course comes over time when you expose your soft underbelly and consistently are not injured. Like tempering steel or hardening off plants you become made of strong stuff when tested with the intention of cultivating something more something sincere and honest. It is also much more likely that no opportunity or skill is wasted or overlooked, underutilized.

These bona fide relationships are strong foundations upon which to build a sustaining business and life. They provide a foundation for us to be brave enough to make the most of rich qualities with which we have been endowed. From this community is fostered and we create possibilities to support the greater good for all parties.

Deirdre Danahar©2012

Deirdre Danahar, MSW, MPH, LICSW is a Personal Coach working with busy people with complicated lives to focus on what is most important. Reach her at Deirdre@inmotioncc.com or inmotioncc.com.

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Make Your New Year’s Resolutions Realities

January 2nd, 2012

A new year is a wonderful time to rekindle your fire that has been sputtering or even has gone out after the up and downs of the past few years. Moving from an idea to a reality is possible. Keep your resolutions by coupling action with attitude. When you do you make good decisions and take more powerful actions because you focus on what most important to you. Not allowing those most important things to be swept aside by today’s to do list. Make choices that are consistent with a meaningful life, a “kick tush” career and fostering nurturing relationships. Prioritizing what to do when, and why in that order.

All of these can be easier said than done. I know. Really I know. I have been down that road too. Sometimes I still find myself on it.  You start out all gung-ho ready to jump into your resolutions and really MAKE THIS THE YEAR when (fill in the blank).  Suddenly it is March and you are not making the progress you hoped for. Then by August you’ve forgotten about those resolutions, or are feeling bad about not getting them done.

But here is what I have learned looking back (and boy that magic mirror reflecting back answers was not always a treat).

“Vision without action is a dream.

Action without vision is a nightmare.”

~Japanese proverb

Paradigm shift. Make 2012 the year to reconnect to the light inside you and live by your most deeply held truths. Focus your attention and resources on what will get from where you are and where you want to be.  Craft a structure for your life and your work that keeps you on track, but is not so rigid you can’t (or won’t) adjust as needed. A framework to make choices that aligns with what is most meaningful to you, your most deeply held dreams, your signature strengths and your most sacred values. You make good decisions when you are crystal clear about these. You don’t make heated decisions forced by limiting fears.  When you need support you ask for it because . . .

“Maturity is the willingness to accept responsibility for your actions and to cooperate with others to achieve mutually desirable goals. Action, putting your passion into work, requires help from other people.”

~Nancy Anderson

So don’t just make your resolutions, make a plan for your 2012 to be extraordinary and supports your resolutions becoming realities. Create a plan that is firmly rooted in the reason behind why you do what you do and why your resolutions matter. Here are four questions to plan an extraordinary year. I use these four questions to plan my year, my answers result in a plan for making the New Year extraordinary.

  1. What are you longing for in your life? Not what you need to do, but what you are yearning for from the marrow of your bones. When you are clear about the deeper reason behind your intent, the more powerful your actions will be on the practical level.
  2. What can you reach for that will meet that longing? Not what is the pie in the sky I can’t possibly ever get there reach. Rather the stretch that if you made, to the best of your abilities would indeed meet this yen of yours.
  3. What would need to be true for me to meet that longing? Your answer might encompass any number of things from acquiring new skills or  strengthen existing ones, or  let go of patterns of thinking that no long serve you or make the best use of the resources available to you.
  4. What will give you the courage to reach for more? This about standing firm in your intent and the sense of your own value. It is what will help you find your mojo, your chutzpah, so you remain unwavering in even moments of doubt or challenge.

Feeling a little stuck in answering these 4 questions? They are big, juicy questions. Try this approach, consider what would make you look back and be able to complete this sentence “My life was honestly fulfilling because . . . ”

Likely your answer embraces achievements like being a great provider, and the enjoyments to be had along the way, like finally enrolling in that upholstery class. The urgency and pluck to act comes from creating a flexible structure for you life so that both achievement and enjoyment show up in your life.

I want to help you have an extraordinary 2012, and am offering a limited number of complementary discovery sessions.  So if you are:

  • Ready to stop chasing balance and start finding fulfillment
  • Ready to get of a rut
  • Want the courage to claim time for yourself
  • Longing to get in sync with what calls most deeply from your heart

Take me up on the offer for a complementary discovery session.  These twenty sessions are first come first serve.

During the 30-minute session we will do three things. First create a clear vision about what you really want. Then we will explore obstacles that are getting in your way. Finally we will outline the next steps you can take to move forward. These will be scheduled between January 4 and January 25, 2012.  To book you session go here and find the time that’s best for your schedule.

Make 2012 the year to reconnect to the light inside you and live by your most deeply held truths.

“It’s extremely gratifying to work with a coach as gifted as Deirdre and to watch the important aspects of life — areas that may have frustrated you for years — become visibly and measurably better.  Through discernment, humor, and encouragement, Deirdre helps you uncover what matters most in the midst of daily noise, then helps you build a toolkit to prioritize and improve those things that make a life fulfilling. I am very grateful for the opportunity to work with Deirdre; it has been a thoroughly worthwhile experience.“
- Marketing VP, Jackson, MS, December 2011

 

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Happy New Year!

January 1st, 2012

We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.

We are going to put words on them ourselves.

The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.

~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

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Four Must Ask Questions Before You Plan Your Year

December 27th, 2011

We develop a commitment to what we spend time on, the more time invested the deeper the commitment.  Defining what you really want is crucial. I mean this needs to be crystal clear, in order to set resolutions that are realized.  What would make your life, or your work, or go big both, deeply meaningful to you? If you are not clear about the big picture of what you want, you’ll get bogged down by all that could be, tripped up by details, lose your place or worse decide to toss all your efforts out the window.  There is no single best definition of a meaningful life or meaningful work. What shows up in yours should be a reflection of what you value most and what calls to you most ardently.

“Everyone should carefully observe

which way his heart draws him,

and then choose that way

with all his strength.”

~ Hasidic Saying

The more deeply anchored in who you are at your core and what brings the real meaning to your life, the more energy you have to push forward. So what is it you desire to be of lasting impact that has significance to you?  We all make a significant lasting impact, or can choose to, in the sphere of our influence. Sometimes we make a lasting impact that was not intended, might as well go for what we intend.

You can put your best work forth and make a lasting impact by using your signature strengths, your unique attributes, and most deeply held values in service of your big picture.  Whether your work is as a solo business owner, in the c-suite, as an employee or at home. You get the outcomes you want when you take specific actions that build from your strengths, are supported by your attitude and are rooted in the callings of your heart. Getting to really big outcomes takes moxie. Moxie comes from being clear and unwavering about the callings of your heart.

Four Questions to Plan An Extraordinary Year

I use these four questions to plan my year, usually in December because I want to be focused, ready to embrace the possibilities of a New Year on January 1. (Well maybe January 2).  The answers I come up result in a plan for making the New Year extraordinary.

  1. What am I longing for in my life? Not what you need to do, but what you are yearning for from the marrow of your bones. What is it you would most like to experience or feel in 2012? Your answer is the motivating force for the choices you make, and subsequent outcomes you get.  Your answer points to a course of action whether you want travel to Europe, increase the impact of your business, let go of the mental baggage you have been carrying around or get into the shape of you life.  When you are clear about the deeper reason behind your intent, the more powerful your actions will be on the practical level.
  2. What can I reach for that will meet that longing? Not what is the pie in the sky I can’t possibly ever get there reach. Rather the stretch that if you made, to the best of your abilities would indeed meet this yen of yours. Is it to be the best provider possible for your family, customers or employees? Maybe it is to step into a new role professionally? Could it be to preserve time for your own creative work?
  3. What would need to be true for me to meet that longing? Your answer might encompass any number of things. You might need to acquire new skills, or strengthen existing ones. You might need to let go of patterns of thinking that no long serve you well. You might just find that you have everything in place, but need to make use of the resources available to you. Maybe you need to stop being scared of you.
  4. What will give me the courage to reach for more? This is not about bragging or smugness. It is about standing firm in your intent and the sense of your own value. It is what will help you find your mojo, your chutzpah, so you remain unwavering in even moments of doubt or challenge. Maybe you are tired of being afraid of what people might thing of the whole, real you?  Maybe it is just the time to start now untangling the knots in your life.

This year I want to help you have an extraordinary year, so I am offering a limited number of complementary “My Extraordinary Year” discovery sessions.  If you are:

  • Ready to stop chasing balance and start finding fulfillment
  • Ready to get of a rut
  • Want the courage to claim time for yourself
  • Longing to get in sync with what calls most deeply from your heart

Take me up on the offer for a complementary  “My Extraordinary Year” discovery session. These are first come first serve. There are only 20 available.

During the 30-minute session we will do three things. First create a clear vision about what you really want. Then we will explore obstacles that are getting in your way. Finally we will outline the next steps you can take to move forward. These will be scheduled between January 4 and January 25, 2012.

Make 2012 the year to reconnect to the light inside you and live by your most deeply held truths.  One of my clients said it best, “I am beyond thrilled to be realistically, authentically in touch with who I am. I have tools to understand my own person and the gifts that are uniquely mine. I am not fearful of myself any more.”- Banking VP, November 2011. Now that is a great foundation for her 2012.

I invite you to book your “My Extraordinary Year” discovery session now.

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Happy Holidays

December 25th, 2011

Let the spirit of love
gently fill our hearts and homes.
In this loveliest of seasons
may you find many reasons for happiness.

May you have a joyful present
and a well remembered past.

Whatever is beautiful.
Whatever is meaningful.
Whatever brings you happiness.
May it be yours this holiday season
and throughout the coming year.

Best wishes for Happy Holidays
and a magnificent New Year.

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Roar and break the evil grip of fear

December 19th, 2011

The grip of our fears can be strong.  Napoleon Hill named six basic fears: fear of poverty, fear of criticism, fear of old age, fear of dying, fear of illness and fear of losing love. They need to be faced head on in order to release the grip they have on you.

Accept yourself on faith, that you are enough, capable and deserving. You can address your fears head on. You will stop avoid doing the things that will give the most back.  You will not get stuck in “I can’t” or “as soon as” states. You can stop dulling yourself with too much ease, or letting yourself off the hook by making excuses. If you are prone to working three times as hard as everyone else to prove yourself, you’ll stop. If you fill your life with symbols of success that leave you still feeling hollow, you lose that need.  Why is this important?  Trying to live only one side of the coin of life, too much achievement or too much enjoyment does not work.  You need both achievement and enjoyment to be truly successful.

The impulse to protect ourselves from pain sets up arbitrary boundaries. Limiting thoughts and beliefs creep up and become habitual with our fears. To complicate matters we’ll believe those limitations as gospel truth even when presented with overwhelming evidence that shatters the illusion of limitations. We stay small and like the Cowardly Lion forget we have heart. We have courage, which is acting in the face of the unknown.

This keeps you from living and working in alignment with your core spirit. Your signature strengths, your natural assets and your most sacredly held values can be at the worst squandered and at the least underused.

Go roar today.

It is time to rekindle your hope, your mojo, especially when you are in the middle of chaos. Time to stop being blocked by fears. Fears like someone will take all your secrets. Fear of not being capable, or worthy. Not being able to pay the bills. Of growing old or infirm.  Fear of criticism.  That you will not know all of the answers. Criticism is often a projection of what others think of themselves. Your bravery to act in the face of your fears stirs up failure in others.

Once you name your basic fear you can claim both your passion and your power to act.  Better yet, you feel compassion for others’ anger, as well as for yourself. You are less critical of yourself and others. You clearly see the difference between healthy fear that warns of real dangers and fears that limit you with artificial boundaries. You ask for what you need, do what needs to be done and get to where you want to be. You forgive yourself and others.

A truly passionate, fulfilled deeply satisfied hopeful person feels remorse and sorrow for her transgressions. She is unafraid to confront them and then forgive. When you forgive, you are the greatest beneficiary, you are free to move into the future.  Emotional pain may linger but eventually you’ll feel all you need to feel (All cried out) about the past. Because you accept it for what it was and choose to move forward. If not you remain stuck, unable to commit to what you want versus what you are stuck with and don’t want.

Once you name that deep dark fear it loosens it’s grip on your mind. You use both sides of your mind to weigh matters and make decisions. Mindfully cultivating both the right side (creative, innovating, non-linear, feeling) and left side (practical, linear, analytic) of your brain opens up your ability to quickly act on your hunches and focus on practical possibilities. Your decisions become easier to make, even the difficult ones. Your actions are more powerful on a  practical level. But to get the most from you right side of the brain, which for most of us, does not get as much use as the left side, you have to experiment with it without judging your feelings or ideas. Both sides of your brain are needed to make wise decisions.

The right side of your brain is the source of your dreams, inspirations and insights. The left side is the process center for these and can either accept or reject them.  When you focus on what interests you then your mind and your feelings work best together- there is a real synergy. Really what could be more wonderful than making the most of your divinely given attributes, your signature strengths as well as what calls some strongly from your heart?

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Time to have the talk. . . about longings

December 14th, 2011

Women and men craft lives that are wholly fulfilling because what is most import to them, those callings of the heart that other people just don’t seem to get around to, are front and center. They dwell in hope and mine for possibilities. These women and men are amazing ordinary people living extra ordinary lives, because of the choices they make.  They aim for and settle for nothing less than a fulfilling flourishing life.

What are you yearning for in your life? Not what you need to do, but what you are longing for from the marrow of your bones. Know that and you know the reason behind why you do what you do.  Know this and you can make the best use of your time money and resources.  The more clear you are about the deeper reason why you do what you do, the more powerful your actions will be on the practical level.

The point is to keep fulfilling, keep attending to your priorities what calls most strongly from your soul, each day. Pay attention to the reoccurring themes in your life. Those things you have always been good at and interested in.  What is the world asking me to do? Maybe you have just been asked to step into a new role that stretches you. It’s exciting and a little scary too. Ask yourself, what would it take for me to make that calling a truth? What resources, strengths supports can I bring to bear? What  do I need to let go of and what will that take? What can I gain from this shift

The callings of your heart are the REAL material of your life. Not what is on your schedule this week, in your job description, the roles you have been pushed into, or even what other well-intended people wish for you. Following the path of what you know is right in the marrow of your bones, even when powerful outside forces suggest or demand otherwise takes moxie. Do it anyway. In the end you are responsible for the actions you take and elect not to take, even when there are powerful outside forces.

My great joy in my work is guiding people to do this in their own lives.  Helping people with busy complex lives to connect to reconnect to the light inside them and have the nerve to live and work by their most deeply held truths. They take actions they otherwise would not, that make the most of their time, especially in chaotic challenging circumstances. They embrace their signature strengths and accept all parts of their beings.  The reward is this: careers they love and sustaining, rewarding relationships. The callings of their hearts show up, not just their to do lists, each and every day. So too can yours.

“You do not sing because you are happy, you are happy because you sing. “- William James

When you act as is if something will happen it will because experience is based on how you think and what you do in each moment.

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We All Need A “Wife”

December 12th, 2011

How many times have you said it?

“There is too much to do.” “I need more time.” “Today I am supposed to be three places at once.” “There is NO time for me.” “I want more control, more balance in my life.” “I need a wife.” You are not alone. In fact you’d have so much company that if you invited everyone over for cookies or cocktails (whatever floats your boat this holiday season) you’d need room for 89% of Americans.

I get it. I have been there too.  You might feel you can’t say no, delegate, or let something go. That same driving entrepreneurial, creative spirit that got you where you are as busy person with executive level responsibilities (at home, at work or at both) can get in the way. It prevents you from stopping.  Did I say stop?

Yep, I sure did. Here is why. All the push-pull action can throw you off-balance. It drains your energy. It can lead you astray from what calls to you most, from way deep down in your bones. Maybe you feel resentful, unfulfilled or the specter of hopelessness is looming?

So you aim for balance. You work hard for balance, putting your phenomenal abilities towards achieving it. So why can’t you get balanced? Or stay that way once you feel like you get a hold of a schedule that works?

Simple, you are not a scale. Balance works wonderfully if you are a scale. You are a vibrant, dynamic person, with executive level responsibilities and an entrepreneurial, creative spirit, who is feeling squished, pressed or constrained. To date I have yet to meet the person who can spend the precise same number of hours and resources on family, at work, as well as on herself. That scenario would be the equivalent of balance. It is not realistic or practical.

Most people pursue one of two solutions to this dilemma.

1.Focus exclusively on one part of your life, at the expense of all other parts.  This may not be the best option.  Frankly it is impossible to completely avoid some areas of your life, they all show up, for better or worse.  Plus this route is likely to increase fear and anxiety precisely because you are not attending to some things you really need too and they sneak up on you at inopportune times.

2. Try to live a meaningful life while trying to do everything and control all of your thoughts and feelings.  Unfortunately this too is not practical or realistic.  We, all of us, would rather not feel the pain of the past that choices have caused. So we try to control everything we do. We tie up all of our energy trying so hard. We don’t relax into ourselves. We forget to be spontaneous and just enjoy the moment. We keep all the negative thoughts away.  Those will not get us anywhere right?  Your life becomes narrow, very narrow. The breadth of life is not let in- no way, because that means pain might seep in along with joy.

This pain serves as a reminder of what will happen if we make the same choice again. That’s okay. Adversity brings rewards in growth and understanding that are exponential and lasting. You are not doomed to repeating past mistakes.

There is a third solution to this dilemma. Be willing to experience the thoughts and feelings that come up along the way. All of them. Even the painful ones you’d rather skip.  Even the joyful ones you are not sure you deserve. Change your focus from controlling thoughts and feelings to controlling what you do. Do this and your life is a flourishing expression of fulfillment and of profound satisfaction as a whole.

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