The Examined Life Gets Results

September 6th, 2011

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”~Socrates.

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You get what you look for in life.  We have all heard these statements before and I believe they are general truths. While none of us are omnipotent (or if you are give me a call there are a couple of things I’d like to talk with you about) with absolute control over every aspect, and influencing factor in our lives we are ultimately responsible for our lives, including the paradigms we hold.  By extension we are also responsible for the ways in which these paradigms influence our choices and actions, and the resulting outcomes.

Paradigm is one of those words that becomes “buzzy”, is tossed around and its’ meaning muddled. So what is a paradigm?  It is a pattern or relationship of ideas to one another that creates a model forming that basis of something.  These ideas are deeply rooted and below the surface of our general awareness, and shape our actions accordingly. A paradigm could be empowering or limiting. All to often paradigms are limiting for most people. I like to think of these as the self-saboteur’s rallying cry.  (Self-saboteurs, or ”Gremlins” are the unconscious thoughts  that whisper, shout and repeat negative stories about you and me. “Gremlins” manifest from our insecurities and self doubts. Slanderous ratfinks that can just mess with your mind and focus.) Or they have served you well at one point in your life, but are no longer useful.

Jinny Diztler* presents an elegant thought-provoking model for closely examining paradigms, using four questions coupled with task of creating a new paradigm. The four questions are designed to peel back your limiting beliefs and your corresponding behaviors. Consciously or not we act in line with our beliefs. A positive attitude or belief is a fine foundation, but nothing will become of it without purposeful action.  The right attitude and mindset is exponentially more likely to lead to strategic actions that lead to desirable outcomes.

Simply thinking about weighing 15 pounds less alone has yet to result in weight-loss.  While a paradigm of “I embrace the values and habit of a healthy person” sets a different tone, creating a platform to act accordingly. Such as building in time to exercise at least 3 days a week, noting these in your calendar with the same level of importance as doctor’s appointments. Developing a weekly shopping list that includes wise snacks and the makings for nutritious lunches to take to work. That in turns leads to improved eating habits and making exercise priority, both reflecting the values and habits of a healthy person.

Using Ms. Ditzler’s approach offers a clear lens to examine your life, uncovering important, sometimes surprising patterns of thoughts and actions.  Once these are laid bare you can decide to think and act differently, putting the power and responsibility for your life squarely in your sphere of influence. Ask yourself these four questions, answering without thinking too much, allowing your intuitive answers to bubble up.

1. How do I limit myself?

Sample answers:

  • I don’t stand up for myself at work.
  • I am let myself get away with the minimum.
  • I believe my opinions don’t’ matter.

2. What has this cost me?

Sample answers:

  • A promotion.
  • My self-respect.
  • New skills.

3. How have I benefited?

Sample answers:

  • My life is “comfortable.”
  • Making sure people like me.
  • I don’t get disappointed.

4. Am I ready to stop? Yes  or  No

Why bother with the four previous questions, knowledge.  Facts do not correct limiting paradigms; these are our personal truths we hold to be self-evident. The more information you have about your negative beliefs, the more you have to work with in order to make a deep-rooted lasting change. You will have a clear picture about what you have been focusing on and now can answer this question: What you would prefer to focus on? The answer to this question will lead to your new paradigm.

The simplest way I know to create a new empowering paradigm is to flip the old paradigm on its head.  Five criteria that ensure your new paradigm is empowering are make it: 1) personal, 2) positive, 3) powerful and simply stated, 4) present tense and 5) pointing to a compelling future that is grounded in an existing truth. Getting the wording for your new paradigm just right may take several tries. The extra time and attention is worth it. This is your new operating framework, you need it to be as finely tuned, and vigorous as possible.

Limiting Paradigm Results Empowering Paradigm Results
I’ll never be loved. No dates and no friends. I give and receive love freely. Warm circle of friends.
Only greedy people want to make money, but I deserve to make more. I spend more than I earn. Money comes to me in abundance, because I earned it. I am financially able to care for myself, family and community.
I can’t do what I truly wish to do. I stay dissatisfied with my life. I have what I want because I work for it. Learning a new skill to help me shift into a satisfying career.
No one is going to be interested in developing soft skills in this market. Limited marketing efforts. Creative, practical and generous I confidently offer my service to others. Consistent marking efforts resulting in new contracts.

Your new paradigm will take time to coalesce. Creating a new way of thing or doing -a new habit- requires practice and reminders. Writing out and posting your paradigm where you will see it every day will help to reinforce it. Here are some creative ways to do this, courtesy of my clients. Using it as a screen saver on your computer. Post it on the inside cabinet door so you can see it each morning when you get the cereal out. Carry it in your wallet.

Check your actions and decisions against your new paradigm to help it become your new operating framework. “How well do these align with my new paradigm?”

*Read Your Best Year Yet for her full discussion.

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Posted in Gremlin, Habits | No Comments »

                 

Psst… your intuition is calling.

February 25th, 2010

An other jaw-dropping event occurred that this year’s Winter Olympics, the disqualification of Sven Kramer, speed skating dynamo of the Netherlands, in the men’s 10,000 meter race. It boggles the mind how a seeming inexplicable error, such a basic error, not changing lanes at the appointed time in the race, could occur. To athlete so finely trained, so on top of him game, but it did. I gasped when I realized what had transpired and was stunned in to silence along with crow at the track. Sven listened to misguided directives of  his coach. A mistake was made. In Mr.  Kramer’s words, “It is a very expensive mistake”, in his case costing a place in the history books,  likely financial loss for him and others and I venture to say costs to his pride and confidence in the support around him.

Okay, fine and well, this is a story most of us have heard why are you bring it up again? Well, because I think this is a powerful illustration of the importance of knowing yourself and your game, “hearing” and listening to your intuition. Following the path of what you know is correct, even when powerful outside forces suggest or even demand otherwise. In the end we are responsible for the actions we take and elect not to take, even when there are powerful outside forces.

It is likely few of us will be faced with this scale of public witnessing to or commenting on a moment in out own lives when a mistake happens and results in an unwanted, unfortunate consequence, but we all have experienced such an occurrence, when you just know you shouldda/coudda/woudda done differently if I have only listened to the little voice whispering to you. Not the devious self-saboteur that lurks within. This is not out blaming or beating yourself up or any one else for that matter.  Instead it is reminder that learning to converse with the core wisdom inside side of you is worth gold.

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Posted in Coaching, Intuition, Set backs, Sports, Wisdom | No Comments »

                 

Five Simple Steps to Change- they really do work!

October 14th, 2009

When we last left our dancing heroine she was undertaking part 5 of her Gremlin Taming Plan on the dance floor at the 46th Annual Harvest Moon Championship Ball; in front of God, Jose Dechamps and Joanna Zacharewciz (current undefeated US Rhythm Champions) and everyone else in attendance. To recap: she choose option B) Not. Not to do the same mental steps over and over, letting the jitters best her, but to instead create new choreography to better suit the rhythms of her life and stretch her capacities as a dancer and as a person.

So how did our heroine do? Beautifully. None of her worst fears and Gremlin’s favorite tall tales came true. She did not miss a spiral turn and do a face plant. She did not run from the dance floor, on the verge of tears because she blew the routine. No one said, “What the heck do you think you are doing? Do your REALLY think you belong out there on the floor?”

Did the steps always flow beautifully? No, but that is okay, because they moved across the metaphorical floor of life with a positive energy.  Better yet when she did miss a grapevine or spiral turn, she just kept moving into the next pattern of steps. Each pass on the floor, each heat became easier. Practice makes perfect, right?

Change, lasting change, is about cultivating new habits. Conditioning yourself, to think, act and ultimately live differently than in the past. Change takes time, and practice and sometimes not reaching your mark.  When you don’t reach your mark easily that is an opportunity to try a new tact.  When you do reach you mark that is an opportunity to do it again, again and again until it’s just the way to do “It”- whatever “It” is for you. These new habits become the familiar steps in your life’s choreography. You can always choose to rearrange them or incorporate new ones into your dance.

Was the experience interesting and beneficial? Yes. So, the jitters remained for our heroine but were transformed into positive stress propelling her and her partner across the dance floor. Reinforcing self-efficacy. Igniting the deep sense of gratification of accomplishing a personal goal. When our dancer was awarded high honors for an Argentine Tango routine and told she would be performing the routine as part of Saturday night’s events – events that included rounds of professional competition and performances by Jose Dechamps and Joanna Zacharewciz, she did not pass out cold. She got her game face on eventually, took some very deep breaths, straightened out her big girl panties, headed for the door and danced her heart out in front of a crowd. She was humbled and thrilled to hear people clapping and grateful for the opportunity to take a risk.

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Posted in Ballroom Dance, Change, Coaching, Courage, Goals, Gremlin, Personal Challenge, Tango | No Comments »

                 

Five simple steps to change: You're the Choreographer for Your Life.

October 9th, 2009

The big girl panties, professional weight tights, performance shoes, rhinestone festooned dresses and an alarming amount of foundational garments are unpacked and spread around the hotel room. This weekend is the 46th Harvest Moon Championship Ball and I am  competing prepared to tame some Gremlins on the dance floor again. I am off to the Ball with my glass slippers and nerves of steel, well almost.

Today, I put on my rhythm dance armour, to Cha-Cha, Swing (East and West Coast), Rumba, Mambo, Bolero and Argentine Tango my way through the nerves I inevitably feel when performing.  Yes, I will most likely always have a strong feeling of jitters about performing, but how I choose to interpret and react to the sensation of the jitters is entirely under my control.  I am giving myself two options… sometimes its best to narrow down the options of ourselves like we do for kids: You can pick which pants you want to wear, the red ones or the purple ones, but you are going to wear pants… to help with making decisions, but I digress.  I can a) let them over run me, or b) not. Now the second option which is the one I am choosing is not as simple as “not” implies. “Not”, option b, is the what, not the how of my Gremlin Taming Plan. My “not” is changing the normal choreography I  would have followed and changing the steps and quality of movement I bring to the experience.

Let’s unpack the how my Gremlin Taming Plan, there are 5 parts.

Part 1:  Acknowledge that what causes me concern – the jitter, nerves, performance anxiety whatever you want to call it- exist.

Part 2:  Examine what story I am telling about them and look for evidence about why my concerns are founded and unfounded. No one likes to make mistakes, and it can be very disconcerting to make them in public, and YIKES! there are current and former professional national champions here, watching , glup… What am I nuts for thinking I can get out on the floor and look as if I belong here… Heavens to mercury what if I catch my heel and do a face plant instead of a spiral turn… blah, blah, blah.

Part 3: Weigh the consequences I get from my story. Well if you focus on what might happen, especially what bad things might happen you’ll never get to see what good things might happen.

Part 4: Retell my story in a new more positive, proactive voice. You have trained. You have practiced. You have some skills and more importantly you LOVE to dance. You like to watch other people dance and they in turn like to watch you to dance and we all want to do well here. The better I am the better they are, so really this is a win-win. And if for some bizarre reason you do a face plant in place of a spiral turn it will become a memorable cocktail story.

Part 5: Live out my new story and see how my energy shifts. I’ll let you know, but I think it will be something along the lines of this. I whirled and twirled, smiled, cha-cha’ed and contributed to a day filled with excitement, joy and encouragement for many people. It was a success and really gratifying and dang it a lot of fun.

There is no magic formula here and many other folks have outlined in their own words and ways how to begin shifting your normal patterns of thinking and doing. I offer the metaphor of choreography for your life and that you as an adult are the primary choreographer for your life. You can choose to do the same steps over and over, or you can choose to rework your movements to better suit the current rhythms and stretch your capacities. Will it always flow beautifully? No, not likely. Will the experience be interesting and beneficial? Yes. So go find your rhythm, listen to the story is offering and tell your best story now as well as you can.

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Posted in Ballroom Dance, Bolero, Cha Cha, Coaching, Creativity, Gremlin, Mambo, Rumba, Swing, Tango, West Coast | No Comments »

                 

Disappointing Gremlins and Others, But Not Myself

September 11th, 2009

The past week I have been disappointing people left and right.  Excited for me and curious about the Windy City Open dance competition, family, friends and acquaintances ask, “ How was the competition? Was it fun?” “ No, but I did expect it would be. It was however what I expected and I did what I set out do”, I reply.  Their hopeful faces crumble a bit as the word “No” rides sonic waves from my mouth to their ears. What is most often missed when they first hear my response is that for me, the competition was what I needed and successful, because I achieved my goals, which had nothing to do with having a fun with all the classic trappings of smiles and laughter.

One goal was get out on the dance floor, looking as if I belonged there in my division by age and dance level. More importantly my other goal was to contend with a full-scale assault launched by my Gremlins. Both were accomplished, but not without deliberate, focused action. Was it easy? No. Was it worth it?  Absolutely. Would I do it again? Yes, look out 46th Harvest Moon Ball Championship here I come. And you know what? The next competition will be easier and much more fun.

Performing, being the center of attention has never been enjoyable for me. My nature is to be introverted, despite finding people and their company immensely fascinating and enjoyable.  Some people thrive on getting up in front of a crowd and speaking, dancing, acting, playing football… I don’t. However, personal excellence is a value of mine and it drives me to get the most from and put forward the best foot I can in the moment. To push past the whisperings of anxieties fed by Gremlins, because the short-term pain of growth is a price worth paying for the long-term gains of personal agency and the profound contentment of knowing you honestly put your whole effort in to something.

Practice makes perfect so goes the adage and there is truth in it. Last weekend was one long practice session. Each difficult moment was countered with twice as many easier moments. There were multiple rewards of being in action:

  • The messages of support from my husband sent each day.
  • The fellowship of many dancers, some more skilled, some less skilled, but all dancing for the joy of doing something loved.
  • The joy of cheering for someone dancing his heart out.
  • The pleasure of spending time with beloved companions.
  • The kindness of a fellow competitor helping me to rub out the cramps seizing both sets of calf muscles of my first round of heats.
  • I am proud to say there were some heats where I placed.

The most meaningful reward was feeling an uncontrollable smile as I danced my final 6 heats, growing from just doing something loved and shared. On Oct. 9 and 10, it is that memory and generative power in it that will make the next competition fun.

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Posted in Ballroom Dance, Coaching, Goals, Gremlin, Personal Challenge, Values | 2 Comments »

                 

Fellowship, Adversity and Taming Gremlins on the Dance Floor

August 24th, 2009

The fellowship experienced in dance is a thing of beauty and of strength.  In my Values of Dancing post I noted Community/Fellowship as a value reflected in ballroom dancing. When you dance you have something in common with others, a shared experience, even if in only one area of life. You are connected and contribute to that shared bond of belonging to a community. People in a community celebrate together and pull together in times of need.

Last Sunday’s 10th Windy City Dancesport Showcase also reflected the French Proverb “Adversity is the touchstone of friendship.“ Adversity at its core is something that is unfavorable, causes trouble or misfortune.  Our own perceptions and “story” about ourselves can be a cunning and therefore worthy adversary. The fellowship inherent in friendship reinforces our innate abilities and strength to best our most worthy adversaries- the dreaded Gremlins. Those self-saboteurs, that whisper, shout and repeat negative stories about you and me. Gremlins manifest from our insecurities and self doubts. Slanderous ratfinks that can just mess with your mind and focus.

Several days after the Showcase I was reflecting on my own jitters and joys related to the event with several other women I know who dance, despite serious jitters of their own.  Sunny’s remarks are a perfect reflection of what the stories our Gremlins tell can do and what we can do to counter those tall tales. “My insecurity is destructive but I do surround myself with quality people. Regardless of my performance, Sunday was an interesting experience and enjoyable.”

The jitters I am sure she was feeling inside did not show in her performance. Sunny, I, and many others, are hypercritical of our dancing when the amygdala takes over. All the “What if you fall and make a fool of yourself? Don’t make a spectacle of yourself. You’re not good at this… blah, blah, blah” stories that are spoken by Gremlins are like a warped oral history.  And when the fear center of the brain shoots into overdrive- Whammy! jitters galore and out goes the our ability to see things for what they are really.  Damn primal brain! I am pretty good judge of dancing and I can tell you Sunny performed much better she might have felt she did- I know the same was true for me because my friends told me to get over myself I did just fine.  What excellent friends I have who looked at me saw the Gremlin peeking out and put it firmly and in no uncertain terms back in check- just what I needed.

Looking deep into the mirror of our friends and seeing what is in others is also reflected in us is a gift – it is not always pretty to see those reflections but it is interesting, illustrative and instructive. I hope Sunny continues to dance and knows that the fellowship she shares with other dancers can be a touchstone for her too. We all draw from the wellspring of support in friendships to courageously face our adversaries and big challenges.

So I am reminding myself  ”don’t-let-your-amygdala-over rule-your-abilities-and-sharing-these-with-others-that-is-not-the-path-to-true-happiness” when my Gremlin peeks out. I am now in a place where I figure if I could get past my paralyzing fear of public speaking and I can with performing. Thank you Sunny and all my excellent honest and sincere friends.

Now go tame your Gremlin and tell us your story of  how adversity is the touchstone of friendship.

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Posted in Adversity, Ballroom Dance, Community, Connection, Courage, Creativity, Dance, Fellowship, Friendship, Honesty, Insecurities, Support | No Comments »