Go from Chaos to Calm: 6 Simple Principles That Work

March 22nd, 2012

As a busy professional, making sure things get done to your high standards in the available time is paramount. Most of us crave to do this without feeling everyday is a mad dash to get through our to do lists. The best way I see to do that to find really practical ways to make the most of your time and resources, so you can go from chaos to calm. Then you can meet the challenge of balancing long term thinking with handling day-to-day realities, ensure things are done to your standards and what you want most becomes a regular part of your day.

Here are 6 simple, practical and effective principles to bring more creativity, productivity and calm to your work.

  1. Connect with your Big Vision. Understand that you are here to do great work, get crystal clear about what calls from the marrow of your bones and honor it appropriately.
  2. Break your Vision into Themes and your Themes into Projects. Part of getting things done well is to chunk down from the big vision. First, decide what qualities you want to bring to your work. Next, develop themes based on these qualities. Finally, define the projects that are in line with your themes. To rein in a tendency to have (or feel like you need to) a gazillion projects going at once, pick no more than 3 projects to focus on over a 4-week period; a revenue project, a development project, and a personal project.
  3. Treat Every Project as a Great Experiment. You can always make progress on a project. No matter how small the step you take it is progress made. Your efforts and outcomes both have value. If a small step is less productive than you intended you have not lost too much. If it does propel you forward you can figure out how much bigger to make the next step.
  4. Put Things in Writing. The more your ideas go onto paper, the more real they are and the more you can do with them. It’s not real until it’s in writing. This includes creating a daily plan with a bias towards action on priority projects to move those ideas into reality.
  5. Work on the Action Steps for Your Projects in Short, Focused Bursts. It is amazing what you can get done in as little as 10 minutes when that is the only thing that exists for those 10 minutes.  Go ahead and try it. Close the door. Turn down the ringer on your phone, the cell phone too, turn off the email notice and just focus.
  6. Expansion and Contraction are Natural. All creative acts, including the work we do, have stages of expansion and contraction; both are key to move forward over time. Expansion happens when you brainstorm, increasing your options, possibilities for action. Contraction is when you narrow down the list. Feeling stuck, numb, bored? It is time for some expansion so you can see possibilities you didn’t see before. Overwhelmed or discouraged? Contraction comes into play to narrow your focus in order to concentrate your efforts and move forward.

Deirdre M. Danahar, MSW, MPH, LICSW, ACC, helps busy professionals with creative spirits go from chaos to calm, by finding practical ways to get things done and live an extraordinary life without compromise. Contact her at deirdre@inmotioncc.com.

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The Opposite of Control is Not Resolution

November 14th, 2011

The opposite of control is not resolution it is willingness to accept our emotions and reactions to events. Willingness is a decision. Willingness refers to how open you are to experiencing your life, reactions and thoughts as they occur – without trying to manipulate it, avoid it, escape it, or change it. This applies to both the internal experience of your emotions and thoughts and to external experiences, the actions feelings, thoughts and decision of others.

Simply you have what you have when you have it. You don’t have to like it, you do not have to agree and it will not always be pleasant, but it will be.  Once you simply let your thoughts and feelings bubble up you gain some distance from them. You can make an active decision of about your feelings and what to do next. The control in your hand and not someone or something else’s control.

How to come to acceptance:

  • Notice how you are reacting.  Does you heart rate shoot up?  Is your lower back start to ache? Are your thoughts running wild with fears of being rejected?
  • Be compassionate regarding your experience. Your responses to experiences are not good or bad, they are just reactions, even if those reactions feel a specific way. Consider how you respond when a close friends or family member confides in you. Give yourself the same measure of compassion.
  • Acceptance is not about giving up. Let me say that again. Acceptance is not about giving up. Nor is it about t about resigning to live with emotional pain. It does not mean you will be constantly overwhelmed.
  • Acceptance is a door waiting for you turn walk through by turning the key of accepting yourself on faith. People are worthy, capable and whole. People are doing their best in the moment, even when it seems they are not. Are you willing to see yourself as worthy, whole, and capable in this and every moment?

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A Key For Crafting Your Meaningful Life

October 17th, 2011

People, all of us, want lives that are meaningful. We also want to avoid negative thoughts and feelings.  The rub is a meaningful life is going to bring us into situations that will stir up unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It also very likely requires change if you don’t find your life meaningful (enough) now. The act of trying to change can itself stymie the process, even if you have invited making a change with open arms. Well that’s a pickle. So how as people living in the real world where we don’t often, if ever get, to avoid difficult circumstances to you get to have a life that feels whole and meaningful? A life where you make the most of your time and the calling of your heart show up, not just the things on your to-do list?

There are a number of things you could do, but one of the most important is to become profoundly clear and centered. Right well that’s easy when the world is speeding by at 100 miles an hour and your feel like you need to be in two places at once.  Actually it might just be easier than you think. We have a way of making things more complicated than they need to be, believe me, I could have won a gold metal in this at one point (now I get an occasional honorable mention).

What Options Do I Have?

Limit your life by making choices driven by emotional avoidance. This may not be the best option because it’s impossible to completely avoid fear and anxiety.  Also, passing up on things that are important to you is only leads to more unpleasant thoughts and feelings.

Try to live a meaningful life while trying to control all of your thoughts and feelings. This can sometimes work, but total control over your feelings is not possible, and often results in more intense thoughts and emotions.

Make choices consistent with a meaningful life. Be willing to experience the thoughts and feelings that come up along the way without adding extra resistance into the mix by avoiding or judging them or yourself.  You change your focus from controlling thoughts and feelings to controlling what you do.   Yes, I know, easier said than done; however, mindfulness is a powerful approach to doing this.

So What Is Mindfulness?

A particular kind of awareness, commonly defined as nonjudgmental (or compassionate), present-moment awareness of what is going on inside and around us. Mindfulness can increase  your flexibility in responding to both internal (thoughts and feelings) and external (the rest of the world) events. Mindfulness is process not an end point. It’s a habit that brings us more fully into our lives because we are shying away from the good, bad, ugly or spectacular.

Mindfulness is the ability to be aware of what arises internally or externally in the present moment without becoming snared by judgment or wishing for something different. Originally developed in the Buddhist tradition, mindfulness has become an accepted and scientifically proven approach to develop new types of control and insight in life. It builds our capacity for relaxation, awareness, insight and attention.

“Mindfulness is the miracle by which we can call back our dispersed mind and restore it to wholeness so that we can live each minute of life.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindfulness helps you to take time to notice what has become the natural order of things in your life and thoughts now; to work with these things, not against them. Forcing change is what sets up and re-enforces resistance. Ever notice when you have tried to change NOW that suddenly all you can think about is what you want to change, how hard it will be, why you will not be successful or some other variation on this theme? That because often we spend our lives thinking about the fretting about past or worrying about the future, instead of focusing on what is right here, right now and applying the Zen Theory of Change.

There are a number of mindfulness activities come in many different forms and can be done at any time. You do not need to be a Zen Buddhist monk, a Tai Chi Master or cloister yourself away for hours or years. My favorite exercise to begin playing with mindfulness takes five minutes and a raisin. Don’t like raisin, try a hard candy or chocolate drop.  Put the raisin in your mouth, and without chewing let the flavors and textures unfold in your mouth. If you mind wanders off to your checkbook and the bills, report that due next week, or the kids’ sports practice tonight, just bring it back to the raisin. This is the beginners mind. Remember seeing a kid fascinated with one small new thing and all her attention is focus on exploring the blade of grass? You are playing with the same attention when practicing mindfulness. I bet you’ll come back from those five minutes with a calmer mind, more deep breath and a lower pulse.

I have written about mindfulness before, but in preparing for a presentation on Oct. 6, “Mindfulness, Acceptance and Values: Foundations for Quality of Life” at the 5th Mental Health Research Conference, Southern Institute for Mental Health Advocacy, Research, and Training, reminded me of the usefulness to returning to topics.

Deirdre Danahar © 2011, all rights reserved

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Hope: The Catalyst For Action

October 10th, 2011

October always seems to me a hopeful month. There are festivals and fairs, celebrating the bounty of autumn’s harvest almost every weekend. There are fundraising walks/runs happening almost every week- groups of people coming together to support making change in the face of difficult circumstances. Some areas of the areas of the country are putting in a second crop of cool of weather vegetables. As piles of leaves begin to grow kids will be whooping and jumping into them. And it is football season, and every team believes this season, this week will be a winning one. In all it seems there is still time to make the most of a fruitful season, to carry forward the momentum of September’s back to business character.

Yes the days grow shorter, but that does not hamper the sense of gathering of hope. There is no real resistance to the innate changes that are part of the seasonal shift. You can practically see the Zen Theory of Change in action.

“I free myself, not by trying to be free,

but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself

in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.”

~Lao Tzu

Zen Theory of Change  is Hopeful Change. It is at its core about not fighting the reality, rather seeing it for what it is and is not then deciding to do something about it. We see this in nature when the seasons change. Nature does not fight leaves turning colors and falling from trees, and the temperatures dropping, it is simply part of the larger cycle of growth and life. Still there is action taken.  Harvests are brought in and put up in glass jars and freezers filled with fruits and vegetables. Squirrels are busy burying nuts in my flowerbeds.  Both of these acts are underscored by hope. Hope that doing this work will provide enough for future months were less action can be taken.

Hope, it is complex and often misunderstood. Hope is not denial, optimism, or simply wishing. True hope is based in reality. It is not passive in nature and does not only take positive factors into account. Hope is a prerequisite for action. Coaches and social workers (I am proud to be both) know that hopeless people become helpless people. Helplessness is a paralyzing state, inflexible. No sense of self- efficacy, personal agency, or of compassion for one’s self (or anyone else) is present. Pity maybe present but that is rarely useful when you need to refocus, and take action. Enter the pep talk:  the coach’s talk at half time and a sudden turn around in play for a football team or the chat with one’s dance instructor after a less than stellar first performance (something I know a little about). Conversely see a pep talk that keep’s the momentum building and a person grounded when things are going well. Both are designed to inspire action through hope.

Combine the Zen Theory of Change with Hope and you’ll stop fighting, simply beginning to notice more and that is the start to change. You see what is real, and what is not real. You create enough distance between you and the problem, that more than one possibility exists. Most of us get stuck on autopilot that sounds like “there is only one way to do that”, or “I have tried that in the past and it did not work”, or “I don’t know where to start.”  Instead of playing tug of war over a gaping forbidding pit with whatever the problem is you can simply decide to drop the rope (not literally). The problem is still there, but you are not being pulled by it or towards the pit. Now both hands are free to be put to work in a more useful way.  That alone is a change and helps to ease the discomfort that is a natural part of change.

Part of what I love about my work is helping people refocus and restore hope, in service of creating a meaningful life that makes the most your time and capacities within a structure that simultaneously keeps you on track and is flexible adjusting to changing circumstances. Together we line up the dots between where you are now and a lasting solution a pressing issue. Doing so has the added benefit of making bouncing back from life’s inevitable adversity and set backs happen with greater ease, because there is hope. And hope is what gets us moving to Start. Now.

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A Storyteller’s Five Simple Steps to Create Lasting Change

October 3rd, 2011

We can be own best enemies, our harshest critics and the most artful self-saboteurs. Words can quite literally create realities and worlds. Take the Declaration of Independence as an example.  You create your life by the stories you tell yourself, in your thoughts and actions.  The stories we tell ourselves profoundly influence our experience of the world. Furthermore you might not fully aware of the stories you tell, especially the self-sabotaging ones because they are automatic and dwell beneath the surface of our daily busyness.

Here are some examples of common self-sabotaging statements or stories:

  • More is better.
  • You will ever be able to _____.
  • Nice girls don’t______.
  • You’ll never measure up.
  • We do not get angry in this family.
  • There’s value in guilt.
  • Less is better.
  • It is better to be feared than liked.
  • You’ll never be a leader.
  • To show fear is weakness or foolish or childish.
  • Big Girls/Boys don’t cry.

Anything ring a bell for you? If not, feel to insert your own, there are endless possibilities because our self-saboteurs are very resourceful and creative. The story may even change based on the circumstance at hand.

Changing your reality also starts with words. Creating change takes time practice and a long frank look in the mirror to simply notice what holds us back and the role that negative self-talk plays in our lives. By shifting your normal and automatic ways of thinking and doing you can create lasting change.  That will take effort, so it is best not to complicate the process with lots of strain. First you notice what is going on, you do not, I repeat do not, need to figure anything out. Instead apply the Zen theory of change.

“I free myself, not by trying to be free,

but by simply noticing how I am imprisoning myself

in the very moment I am imprisoning myself.” ~ Lao Tzu.

In other words, notice what is the natural order of things in your life and thoughts now. Work with these things, not against them. Forcing change is what sets up and re-enforces resistance. Ever notice when you have tried to change NOW that suddenly all you can think about is what you want to change, why you cannot change it, or how hard it will be to change it, or everything will be fine just as soon as this other thing gets done, or what the heck one more cookie will not matter?

Stop. Be still. Breathe deliberately, fully in a way that feels natural to you.  Consider what is getting in your way, what you would like to be and why this is so important to you.  Simply notice what is going on in your mind. What you are thinking. What you are feeling. Thinking and feeling are not the same things. Notice what happens in your body. Are your shoulders jammed up by your ears? Maybe your heart is racing at the thought of making a change?

Already you are addressing the first two steps to retell your story and create lasting change. Step 1:  Acknowledge what causes you concern. ‘My annual review is coming up and I just know that by supervisor is unhappy with me. She’s had a funny look on her face when she saw me at lunch yesterday.”

Step 2:  Examine what story you are telling about these concerns and look for evidence about why your concerns are founded and unfounded.  “Oh my God, what is she fires me? That’s it she’s going to let me go. I will not be able to pay the kids tuition, etc.” Got yourself all worked up? Yes, perfect, now flip that scenario around and play with other possibilities. “ Really, maybe she was distracted at lunch, or had just eaten something that tasked foul. Could be she was looking at someone else. Maybe she’s worried about her kids, they started a new school.”

Let’s move on to the other three steps.

Step 3: Weigh the consequences you get from your story. If you focus on the bad things might happen you’ll never get to see what good things might happen.  “Well if you focus on what might happen, especially what bad things might happen you’ll never get to see what good things might happen. You had a fine review last year and she always let’s people know when she’s concerned ahead of time not at the 11th hour.”

Step 4: Retell you story in a new more positive, proactive voice.  “This year I have taken on new responsibilities and it’s been a learning process. I can look at the performance goals I set a year ago and see how far I have come. I am ready, willing and able to do even better in the coming year.”

Step 5: Live out your new story and see how your energy changes. “ I am going to be proactive here and do everything I can to do my job well.”

There is no magic formula to change you story. Other people have described various ways to do so. I offer the metaphor of Storyteller for your life because as an adult are the primary author for your life. You can choose to take the same actions, do the same things, think the same way, and use the same excuses, over and over. Or not. Will the narrative you tell and the actions you take always flow beautifully? No, not likely. Will the experience be interesting and beneficial? Yes. So go find your rhythm, listen to the story is offering and tell your best story now as well as you can.

To push past the whisperings of anxieties fed the self-saboteur is worth the effort. The short-term pain of growth is a price worth paying for the long-term gains of personal agency and the profound contentment of knowing you honestly put your whole effort in to something.

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How To Thrive In Spite Of Stress

September 19th, 2011
Below is a repeat of an article I recently wrote for Greater Jackson Business, for which I am new regular contributor.

After the looseness of summer the return of more strict schedules can be a welcome return to structure. It also can invite stress back to the forefront. Essentially stress comes from the external forces in our lives that push our buttons and/or cause intense emotions.  Positive and negative aspects of life can be sources of stress.  A promotion can be as stressful as a termination.  Reaching a well-defined ambitious goal is stressful, as is uncertainty about the future.  Starting a career can be as stressful as considering retirement.

The root cause of stress is our perception and reaction to events in our lives.  When we experience stress the level of adrenaline and other hormones rise, causing increased heart rate, rapid breathing, increased blood pressure, muscle tension, dry mouth, etc.  These are the body’s reaction to a threat, perceived or real. Stressful events that are too frequent, too long or too intense lead to distress.  Distress is what we commonly refer to as stress. Not all stress is bad.  Eustress, healthy stress, allows us to perform well. It is the challenge that keeps you going, engaged and excited to be pushed.

Living in a time when there are many sustained pressures, like paying off a mortgage, is enough to cause prolonged stress. To complicate matters, we are clever enough to create all kinds of stressors in our heads in addition to the real ones we face daily.  For example, you might worry endlessly about saying the wrong thing at a meeting. People are gifted at extending the experience of stress. We can turn on our stress response just by thinking about a stressor, future or past, such as, “What will happen if our fourth quarter numbers fall?” or reflecting on a mistake.

Here is the good news. You can thrive in spite of stress by using people’s extraordinary capacity for thought and language to help mitigate your experience of stress.  You can articulate where your stressors are generated, what they do to you, assess what you can and will do about them and then act. Doing so, when confronted with a stressful event, you can focus and come through the experience as easily and intact as possible.

Thriving in spite of stress requires first appraising the situation and then taking appropriate action. Appraising the situation is a deliberate two-part process. Primary appraisal is when you decide is something is a threat to you or your interests. Secondary appraisal is when decide if there is any things you can do the change the situation to minimize bad outcomes and increase the possibility of positive outcomes. Developing a habit to stop and assess during a stressful event affords you the opportunity to affect a measure of control over the situation and the outcome, minimally your reaction to both.

All too often we go to an extreme of either total denial or absolute overt catastrophizing the issue or stressor.  Finding a middle ground goes a long way to averting an excessive stress reaction in mind and body and positions you to take constructive actions. The middle ground is anchored in 3 things:

  1. Check in with yourself and your assumptions. Give yourself the mental space to put daily events into the larger perspective. It is worth exploring the roots of your assumptions and negative appraisals about what is happening.
  2. Give yourself a break. Accepting stress and learning to live successfully with it is a process.
  3. Have a bag of tricks. A personal set of techniques, tips and tools you can use to manage stress.

Here are nine tried and true stress management strategies. Different combinations and expressions of these strategies work for different people.

  1. Pacing: know your stress and energy levels and act accordingly. Fatigue is the early sign of distress don’t ignore it. Like sleep cycles we have cycles of energy and concentration, 90 minutes on average. Taking a 20-minute break and then go back to what you were doing supports peak functioning throughout the workday.
    Realistic Expectations: Things often push our buttons or upset us not because they are inherently stressful, but because it’s not what we expected or wanted. Setting realistic expectations does not equate with settling for less. Realistic expectations can make life feel more predictable and manageable. Expecting less from people who cannot give you what you want makes life easier and less upsetting.
  2. Reframe: Get a different perspective or change the way you are looking at something, in order to feel better about a situation. There are many ways to interpret a situation.  Useful questions to ask to reframe include: “Is there anything positive here at all? What I can I do with it?” ,“What is the underlying motivation for so-and-so to do that?” and “On a scale of 1 (minor hassle)  – 10 (worst catastrophe), just how bad is this?”
  3. Work-Leisure Ratio: Leisure comes from the Latin root for permission. Give yourself permission to take a break, a healthy amount of respite from your day-to-day pressures. This can include exercise, recreation hobbies, socializing, relaxation, vacation, or entertainment.
  4. Limit or Eliminate Caffeine: Caffeine is a stimulant that generates a stress reaction in the body. Less caffeine usually results in people feeling less jittery, more relaxed, and getting better sleep. You do not have to go cold turkey, try decreasing by one drink a day until you are down to one or even better none.
  5. Get Physical: Channeling nervous fidgeting into a more complete form of physical activity helps to “burn off the stress”, preventing our bodies from staying in a stress arousal state for a long time, which can have serious health consequences. Get some regular aerobic exercise; dance, run, walk, hike, bike, swim, play football with the kids, whack a ball on the court, kickboxing . . . find out what works for you.
  6. Laugh and Smile: Laughter releases “happy” hormones and releases tension.  Humor is an individual thing, find what makes you laugh and keep that at hand. When you laugh you smile triggering the limbic system to tilt towards calm.
  7. Ventilation System: A problem shared is a problem halved. Talk it out to “blow of steam”, get a different perspective, encouragement or advice helps to mitigate your stress. Other options include “write it out- then get rid of it” or slowly counting to ten, and then reacting.
  8. Be Mindful and Present: We have the ability to intentionally be present in the here and now, not letting our thoughts run away unchecked.  Doing this neutralizes the physiological effects of stress. Your heart rate goes down, your breathing slows, and your muscles relax.  As little as 20 minutes once or twice a day has real benefit. A simple exercise you can do just about anywhere anytime is to close your eyes, breath in and out deeply, repeat several times.  Notice how your body begins to feel more relaxed. Keep your mind focused on breathing and your body if it wanders, just bring it back.

Deirdre M. Danahar, MSW, MPH, LCSW, is a coach and consultant who helps busy people with complex lives focus on priorities so they can soar.  She owns InMotion Consulting and Coaching, LLC, based in Jackson, MS. Reach her at Deirdre@inmotioncc.com. Copywrite 2011.

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Why Work is like Pac-Man (and what to do about it)

September 13th, 2011

Ever feel like you are one of those little dots that Pac-man gobbled up? Becoming consumed by work is an easy state to slip into when you are intent on providing well for your family, yourself and your community.  Because of, or in spite of, the recession, work-life balance is a concern for the vast majority (89%) of American workers surveyed by StrategyOne (2010). Of those 54% call it a “significant” problem.  Both men and women feel this push-pull between the competing priorities from work and the rest of your life. Forty-four percent (44%) of men ages 34-54 say they do not have adequate work-life balance (StrategyOne, 2010).  A June 2011 Nelson survey of women in to 21 countries representing 60 % of the world’s population and 78% of GDP, showed that 54% of woman in developed countries and 62% in emerging countries feel pressed for time.

So yes, becoming consumed by work is an easy state to slip into especially with the current economic pressures and climate. When work-life balance is upended time with family is the first thing affected (37%), followed by personal down time (22%) (StrategyOne, 2010). Being worried about the stability of your job, or when you are the boss, or when your income is directly tied to sales or commissions frankly it can seem miraculous when you are not focused on work.  Remember, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”.  More importantly all work means you, your staff, and colleagues do not have the necessary resources to perform at their peak, to focus, to be effective and efficient and that is not good for business at work or at home.

What we are often trying to express when we say I want more balance in my life, is I want to feel in control and be centered. When you are centered you are not wasting energy juggling 20 balls while moving. You are playing catch with fewer, more important balls, moving in time with the rhythms of your life. You also have a sense of profound satisfaction with our lives as whole, or being fulfilled. When you are fulfilled your life is one of the deepest joy because you feel like your life is fully worth living and that you are fulfilling a greater purpose.

So how do you get there?

6 Practical Strategies To Create Balance and Foster Fulfillment

These are 6 strategies that are practical possibilities to try. Let me preface these by saying I think absolute balance is impossible, but that being centered and living in a purposeful way that support a fulfilling life is indeed possible. Once you are centered and aligned your heart and your head, you have great energy to be an excellent spouse, parent, professional, volunteer. . . you get the picture.

Practical does not mean easy. Practical means ordinary activities that involve practice or action. Don’t get overwhelmed by assuming that you need to make big changes to bring more balance to your life. Simple goals suggested by the strategies below can have a significant impact, like leaving the office early one day next week.

Some of the strategies below may be things you already do, or have tried, and putting them into action with greater consistency might make all the difference in your ability to strike a better balance. Others might be brand new. Start with 1 or 2, give it a week and see what starts to change.

  1. Track your time and what you do with it for a week. See where you are spending your time in such a way you are efficient and getting a good return on your investment. See where you are not. Decide what is necessary and what satisfies you the most.
  2. Create your list of non-negotiables for all areas of your life and then put them in your calendar. These should include elements that invest in your support systems and Nurture yourself. Get some sleep, eat healthy foods, exercise. Make setting aside time each day for something you enjoy a non-negotiable.
  3. Use a regular habits list.  Manage your tasks – not your time. Generally people perform at their best with no more than 3 “must dos” each day. I use s simple spreadsheet that lists regular habits on the vertical axis and one month’s of days by number (1st- 31st) on the horizontal axis. At the end of each day I check off these ones I did, and use it to help plan the next day.
  4. Cut the things that do not satisfy you to the maximum degree that circumstances allow and delegate from there-  this means giving up some control. Embrace “The Power of a Positive No” too. It is okay to respectfully say no.
  5. STOP multitasking on the important things. At first glance this seems like an efficient way to work. It is not.  Multitasking on complex task or things that require your full attention involve your “executive functions.” Multitasking requires “Executive function” switching (I am going to do this now  – ‘goal shifting-’ and here are the rules for this – ‘rule activation’) takes time, little fragments of seconds or longer that adds up.  It can cost up to 40% of your productive time (Meyer, Evens & Rubenstine, 2001). Focus on one thing at a time, putting your most important priorities first.
  6. Cut yourself some slack. You cannot do it all, and do it all well.

Bonus Strategy: Take a break: Fatigue is the early sign of (dis)stress- don’t ignore it. Like our sleep rhythms we have cycles of energy and concentration, 90 minutes on average. Take a 20 minute break then going back to what you are doing or start on a new complex task.

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The Examined Life Gets Results

September 6th, 2011

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”~Socrates.

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You get what you look for in life.  We have all heard these statements before and I believe they are general truths. While none of us are omnipotent (or if you are give me a call there are a couple of things I’d like to talk with you about) with absolute control over every aspect, and influencing factor in our lives we are ultimately responsible for our lives, including the paradigms we hold.  By extension we are also responsible for the ways in which these paradigms influence our choices and actions, and the resulting outcomes.

Paradigm is one of those words that becomes “buzzy”, is tossed around and its’ meaning muddled. So what is a paradigm?  It is a pattern or relationship of ideas to one another that creates a model forming that basis of something.  These ideas are deeply rooted and below the surface of our general awareness, and shape our actions accordingly. A paradigm could be empowering or limiting. All to often paradigms are limiting for most people. I like to think of these as the self-saboteur’s rallying cry.  (Self-saboteurs, or ”Gremlins” are the unconscious thoughts  that whisper, shout and repeat negative stories about you and me. “Gremlins” manifest from our insecurities and self doubts. Slanderous ratfinks that can just mess with your mind and focus.) Or they have served you well at one point in your life, but are no longer useful.

Jinny Diztler* presents an elegant thought-provoking model for closely examining paradigms, using four questions coupled with task of creating a new paradigm. The four questions are designed to peel back your limiting beliefs and your corresponding behaviors. Consciously or not we act in line with our beliefs. A positive attitude or belief is a fine foundation, but nothing will become of it without purposeful action.  The right attitude and mindset is exponentially more likely to lead to strategic actions that lead to desirable outcomes.

Simply thinking about weighing 15 pounds less alone has yet to result in weight-loss.  While a paradigm of “I embrace the values and habit of a healthy person” sets a different tone, creating a platform to act accordingly. Such as building in time to exercise at least 3 days a week, noting these in your calendar with the same level of importance as doctor’s appointments. Developing a weekly shopping list that includes wise snacks and the makings for nutritious lunches to take to work. That in turns leads to improved eating habits and making exercise priority, both reflecting the values and habits of a healthy person.

Using Ms. Ditzler’s approach offers a clear lens to examine your life, uncovering important, sometimes surprising patterns of thoughts and actions.  Once these are laid bare you can decide to think and act differently, putting the power and responsibility for your life squarely in your sphere of influence. Ask yourself these four questions, answering without thinking too much, allowing your intuitive answers to bubble up.

1. How do I limit myself?

Sample answers:

  • I don’t stand up for myself at work.
  • I am let myself get away with the minimum.
  • I believe my opinions don’t’ matter.

2. What has this cost me?

Sample answers:

  • A promotion.
  • My self-respect.
  • New skills.

3. How have I benefited?

Sample answers:

  • My life is “comfortable.”
  • Making sure people like me.
  • I don’t get disappointed.

4. Am I ready to stop? Yes  or  No

Why bother with the four previous questions, knowledge.  Facts do not correct limiting paradigms; these are our personal truths we hold to be self-evident. The more information you have about your negative beliefs, the more you have to work with in order to make a deep-rooted lasting change. You will have a clear picture about what you have been focusing on and now can answer this question: What you would prefer to focus on? The answer to this question will lead to your new paradigm.

The simplest way I know to create a new empowering paradigm is to flip the old paradigm on its head.  Five criteria that ensure your new paradigm is empowering are make it: 1) personal, 2) positive, 3) powerful and simply stated, 4) present tense and 5) pointing to a compelling future that is grounded in an existing truth. Getting the wording for your new paradigm just right may take several tries. The extra time and attention is worth it. This is your new operating framework, you need it to be as finely tuned, and vigorous as possible.

Limiting Paradigm Results Empowering Paradigm Results
I’ll never be loved. No dates and no friends. I give and receive love freely. Warm circle of friends.
Only greedy people want to make money, but I deserve to make more. I spend more than I earn. Money comes to me in abundance, because I earned it. I am financially able to care for myself, family and community.
I can’t do what I truly wish to do. I stay dissatisfied with my life. I have what I want because I work for it. Learning a new skill to help me shift into a satisfying career.
No one is going to be interested in developing soft skills in this market. Limited marketing efforts. Creative, practical and generous I confidently offer my service to others. Consistent marking efforts resulting in new contracts.

Your new paradigm will take time to coalesce. Creating a new way of thing or doing -a new habit- requires practice and reminders. Writing out and posting your paradigm where you will see it every day will help to reinforce it. Here are some creative ways to do this, courtesy of my clients. Using it as a screen saver on your computer. Post it on the inside cabinet door so you can see it each morning when you get the cereal out. Carry it in your wallet.

Check your actions and decisions against your new paradigm to help it become your new operating framework. “How well do these align with my new paradigm?”

*Read Your Best Year Yet for her full discussion.

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6 Myths of Exercise Exposed

August 15th, 2011

“Spot reducing” and “no pain, no gain”  are two common exercise myths, these seem to be fading. But there are many myths about getting or staying healthy and fit. More than half of American women do not regularly exercise. I suspect at least one of these myths or the  6 below play a role in that fact.

“Exercise requires advanced planning.” Well that does make it more likely that exercise will become a staple in your routine. A spur of the moment 5 minute bust a move break, or walking during your work breaks also count as exercise. Try these and see if you notice a boost of energy and a clearing of your mind during the grind of the day.

“I can eat anything I want, I am exercising.” Nope sorry, not true and boy I sure wish it was.  World class athletes and those wonderfully fit folks you see in the park, at the dance studio, and at the gym, well to maximize the benefits of their exercise and training routines they need to eat well. By well I mean healthy food and reasonable portions. The amount of calories matter, as does the source of calories. Regular physical activity is one of the most important factors for successful long-term weight management. I am living proof of this.

“The Best workouts happen in the gym.” Research has shown that different types of exercise routines work for different personality types. Some people find it easier to stick to a home-based fitness program, others are inspired to keep training for charity runs with a group.  The “best” workout for you is the one you will stick with over time and consistently.

“Work out hard and often or you waste time.” Now this is one line of thinking that keep may people from starting an exercise routine or maintaining one. There is a growing body of research that any exercise is better than none. One hour a week of Regular walking or gardening has been shown to reduce the risk of heart disease.   A recent study in the Journal of American Medical Association showed that women lost weight if they walked for as little as 2.5 – 5 hours a week, at a moderate or brisk pace.

“Weights or other strength training makes you bulky.” No, we’ll build more muscle density, and since pound for pound muscle takes up less space than fat you’ll look more trim.  Unless of course you embark on a serious body-builders routine which then the may be to bulk up. The fitness experts I know recommend strength training  2-3 times a week. That might be the missing key to dropping a size over time if you are already doing other exercise.

“Weight loss has more benefits than exercise.” Overweight or even obese people who exercise regularly lie longer than slimmer sedentary folks. Obviously maintaining an ideal body weight is important for many health reasons, including decreasing stress on your joints. If you are very over weight, have never exercised or are starting back after many moons it is advisable to work with a professional, including your doctor. You might also consider types of exercise that put less stress on your joints, like swimming.

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Beauty and the Beast of Heirlooms

August 8th, 2011

Helping my Dad and Celia (stepmother, with out all the “evil” connotations) unpack after the great retirement move I can’t help but reflect on a) the “tyranny of the heirloom” and b) the value and beauty of well crafted items. My people are a sentimental brood, though they might not always like to think so, we are all the same. We like to keep mementos of people, places and experiences. On the surface it can be quite a mish-mash, but some how it all works, from the Danish modern dinning room table, the framed reprint from the Book of Kells, a 4 year old’s rending of a landscape, a Joe Montana commemorative plate and the original timbers  from 1840 that support the “early” part of the new home. It works because each is loved and special. The challenge is there is a lot of stuff that is loved and special, and then there is the stuff we hold on to be “we might need it some day” or so and so had that/gave that to us, even though it is not something we use or really care for much.  It is those things that clutter up the space or become the “tyranny of the heirloom”.

So exactly what is the “tyranny of the heirloom”, think about that platter, chair, picture, collection of whatever, that you hold on to because it was so and so, not because you love it or even like it. When you think about it and letting it go a new person who will love it, do you feel a sense of guilt, or “no I couldn’t”? Do you resent it for the space it is taking up? Are you hold on to it just incase we need it one day? If you answered yes to any of these questions you know what I mean by the “tyranny of the heirloom”; if not, lucky you.

By in large few of the items my Dad and Celia moved came with the tyranny moniker, but some did. Why don’t we let those things go? I think it is most often because many people infuse the memory of a person into an object and unconscious fear that getting rid of the object will also result in losing the memory of the person. This was very true for a past client of mine. She had a house loaded of items that were “from the family ” and no one else in the family wanted which she resented, and it prevented her from celebrating the memory of people who had passed on. Once she could wrap her mind around a new approach or view those items as longing for a home where they could be loved she was able to pass them on to some friends, and people she know would cherish and use the items. What a lovely to celebrate someone, by genuinely loving what had once were precious to and loved by an other.

The other point I found myself reflect on was the joy that beauty in all things bring to our day-to-day experience. If you are going to use a dishtowel, it can be lovely and strong. When form, function and aesthetics can come together and make for a wonderfully inspiring welcoming space. How different might your work feel if the pen you used had just the right weight when balanced between your fingers? If the desk lamp in your cubical made you smile when you looked it?  Sometimes the convergence form, function and aesthetics is pricy, but not always. My desk lamp came from a Target and is a dead ringer for a 1930’s piece I covet.  For more about the importance of and how to introduce beauty into your every day items read the words of my friend Marilyn Webster, her words are inspiring.

Our lives are complex and heavy enough without the potential energy draining reality of holding on to things that we do not love. So here my two questions for you this week:

  1. Is there some thing you are holding on to that if you let go would open up some damned up energy?
  2. What small piece of beauty can you bring into your everyday things?

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